To National Sleep Dynamics, Inc:
Dear Sir or Madam,
I am interested in participating in your sleep study, “Affects of Shift Work on Sleep Habits.” I think I qualify for your study because I work at night. As you suggested, I have completed your “Sleep Test.” Enclosed are my results.
1. I have been told that I snore- Yes, several people have told me this, but I promptly sucked the life out of them and enlisted them in my army of the undead. Consequently, I am unable to tell if this is a regular or just an occasional occurrence.
2. I have been told that I hold my breath when I sleep- See Question 1
3. I have high blood pressure- Yes, the pressure on me to find adequate quantities of blood is great.
4. My friends and family say that I’m often grumpy and irritable- See Question 1
5. I sweat excessively during the night- I don’t feel this question is quite fair. After all, I, unlike most people, get a considerable amount of exercise at night, what with the constant transformations, flying around the world, blood-sucking, and seduction of beautiful women. All the same, I must concede that I do sweat excessively during the night.
6. I have noticed my heart pounding or beating irregularly during the night- See question 5
7. I get morning headaches- Only when I eat those frozen bags from the red cross for breakfast. They look just like strawberry Popsicles! However, when I eat them too quickly, I do get a headache.
8. I suddenly wake up gasping for breath- Yes, but only after I dream that I am sleeping and wake up in a coffin that isn’t lined with imported satin.
9. I seem to be losing my sex drive- I should say not! See Question 5.
10. I often feel sleepy and struggle to remain alert- Totally! Ach, did I really say that? I’ve been watching too much Real World.
11. I frequently awake with a dry mouth- If by “dry mouth” you mean “blood-thirsty,” then yes
12. I have difficulty falling asleep- I think not. In fact, I have the opposite padfh;kndsak;lkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
13. Thoughts race through my mind and prevent me from sleeping- Hey, even vampires have to worry about the economy. Those capes don’t pay for themselves, you know.
14. I anticipate a problem with sleep several times a week- Yes, whenever it’s sunny outside. Ach, those tiny points of light streaming into my coffin! Would that I had opted for the opaque window shade!
15. I worry about things and have trouble relaxing- See Question 13
16. I wake up earlier in the morning than I would like to- Yes. This is especially troubling because if I emerge from my coffin even a second too early I will shrivel into a pile of undead dust.
17. I lie awake for half an hour or more before I fall asleep- Ach, yes. The constant work- flying and biting, flying and biting, seducing, terrifying- it is so stressful. It takes me a while to wind down.
18. I often feel sad and depressed- Yes, but it fits my image.
19. I have trouble concentrating at work or school- Yes. Once I was just about to sink my teeth into a really fine specimen, when I suddenly found myself wondering if Boris had picked up my capes from the dry-cleaners. My prey escaped, alas!
20. I have fallen asleep while driving- Flying, thank you, and no.
21. I have fallen asleep in social settings such as movies or at a party- If only I knew! Work, work work! See Question 17
22. I have trouble at work because of sleepiness- Yes! I once fell asleep while changing out of my work clothes(transforming from a bat into a man). When I woke up, I had a human body, but I had long, velvety ears, very acute hearing, and no eyes whatsoever. I had to use echolocation just to find my coffin.
23. I have dreams soon after falling asleep or during naps- Yes, I dream often- of a summer home in Antarctica and a winter home in Scandinavia. Ah, to be perpetually in the dark! Free to feast and terrify whenever I please! For once, I could have a 9-to-5 job. Maybe then my wife would stop complaining about my obsession with work. No, for that to happen, I would probably have to stop seducing beautiful women. Eh, I shall just continue to ignore her nagging.
24. I have “sleep attacks” during the day no matter how hard I try to stay awake- See Question 23.
25. I have had episodes of feeling paralyzed during my sleep- When I am asleep I am generally not concentrating on whether or not I feel paralyzed.
26. I wake up at night with an acid/sour taste in my mouth- Yes, but I think my diet causes that more than anything.
27. I wake up at night coughing or wheezing- Yes. Unfortunately, I am allergic to dust mites, and as my estate is very old, it is excessively difficult to avoid being thwarted by the aforementioned allergen.
28. I have frequent sore throats- No, but I certainly cause my fair share! BUWA-HA-HA-HA, cough, cough. Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
29. During the night I suddenly wake up feeling like I’m choking- No, but sometimes I wake up and feel like choking someone else
30. I have noticed (others have commented) that parts of my body jerk during sleep- See Question 1
31. I have been told that I kick at night- See Question 1
32. Sometimes I can’t keep my legs still at night, I just have to move them to feel comfortable I beg your pardon, but I am a bit disquieted by your intense interest in my legs. Could it be that you have a fetish?
I sincerely hope you will consider my application. Otherwise, I will promptly suck the life out of you and enlist you in my army of the undead.