All my life I’ve tried desperately to dig up whatever latent talent I might have that would catapult me into fame, right up there with Mozart. I’ve pretty much run the gamut of the arts world – violin, viola, voice, piano, poetry, pottery, acting, drawing, and conducting – without any major discoveries. By far my worst area was ballet. My dance debut was so horrific that my family refers to it only as “the incident,” and even then in hushed voices.
My only hopes, the last two unexplored areas of my artistic sensibilities, are what I hear are the two easiest instruments in the world: timpani and tuba. I figure the timpanist has the cushiest job in a symphony orchestra. He just sits in the back, reading Timpanist Today, and waits for the conductor to point at him. The conductor always cues the timpanist because he (the conductor) is convinced that he (the timpanist) is dumb as a brick. Even then, he (the timpanist) only has to play two notes, four max, and he gets to hit things. Tuba players have a similar advantage in most pieces (although they don’t get to hit things), plus they can store things in the bell of the tuba, like enormous stuffed tongues.
Anyhow, I figure that since I have discarded all but two possible performance careers, I am sufficiently embittered to try my hand at criticism. After all, a critic only needs two things to be successful: publication in a major newspaper, and an endless arsenal of insults. In order to secure my career path, I have already prepared some generic comments that I hope you will find witty and incisive:
“[Soprano] sang with all the dexterity of a dying cow, and her portrayal of [character] seemed distracted at best, especially when I began pelting her with little pieces of my playbill.”
“[Conductor] entertained the audience marvelously, but failed to give equal consideration to his orchestra.”
“[Actress] is clearly sleeping with the director of [show]. There is no other logical explanation for her casting in this role.”
“[Director]’s production of [show] is just traditional enough to be boring, and just avant-garde enough to be tasteless.”
“[Conductor]’s choice of tempi indicated either a more light-hearted approach to the program or a dire need to use the restroom.”
Now I just need to find a major newspaper willing to take me on. And something to review.