After admitting that they had viewed the admissions decisions of several Yale applicants without authorization, several Princeton admissions officials have revealed that they have no life.
“And when I say no life, I mean no life,” one official, who asked not to be named, said. “Even if we added up the sorry fragments of lives that we each possess, it would still add up to less than one life. Even in our collectiveness we are incomplete.” The official confirmed that he had, in fact, been a philosophy major at Princeton. “How do you think I ended up in this job?”
Last April, the Princeton officials logged on to the Yale admissions website and used information from the applications of students who had applied to both Princeton and Yale to see whether or not those students had been accepted at Yale. The official said the idea to access Yale applicants’ admissions decisions was a spontaneous one.
“We had spent the last four months reviewing applications. Thousands and thousands of applications. Do you know how hard it is to look at the same manufactured drivel day after day after day?” He then launched into an unprintable tirade about working in Princeton’s admissions office.
“Man, that was cathartic,” he said. “So anyway, after we made our decisions, we weren’t quite sure what to do with ourselves, so we thought, ‘Hey, we have all this so-called privileged information, why not use it to have a little fun at the cost of the trust of ambitious high-school students all over the world?’ We thought of hacking into the admissions site, but since we’re all philosophy majors, none of us knew how to hack. So we just plugged in the students’ birthdates and social [security number]s, and we were in!”
As for which students’ information to view, the official said “We went for the famous ones first. Then, the ones we thought we could beat up the most easily. You know, Matheletes, chess team captains, that kind of thing.”
When asked whether he thought the scandal would hurt Princeton, he shrugged. “Nah, I don’t think so. After A Beautiful Mind, everybody loves us. We’re golden.”