Stage Five

Don’t believe me
When I say I’m okay

I’m just waiting for you to contradict me
(and when you won’t I draw the knife a little farther)

Don’t you see the blood?
(and when you don’t I dig the knife a little deeper)

Can’t you see me wince?
(and when you can’t I twist the knife a little harder)

Make me stop!
Make me stop!

Is what I would cry if I could bring my trained lips
To stop singing, “Fine, I’m fine.”

How many times have I chanted borrowed words:
“Not waving but drowning, not waving but drowning”?

And how many times have I watched you,
Standing on the shore, waving back?

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Funnel

Honey, I’m tired.

This is like a funnel
I took for a cup:
I keep pouring and pouring
my hopes, my soul,
into it
and wonder why it’s empty.

Yet I haven’t asked for more
yet.

Until then,
I will lie

in your ambivalent embrace,
missing you

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Our youth are in danger

Yale students get the rare opportunity to see future CEOs, Nobel Prize winners, and government officials stumbling around like idiots on a fairly regular basis. It’s an unusual weekend when I don’t hear several people drunkenly caterwauling beneath my window, although sometimes it is surprising how skillful this singing is until I realize that it’s coming from the operatic tenor across the hall. These students are drunk. No one cares, really. But it strikes many people, especially outsiders, as odd that such overachievers—the same people who spend six-hour blocks of time locked in the library hard at their scholarly pursuits—behave in what seems to be such a juvenile manner.
Why do Yalies drink so much? It’s a question that’s been posed many times, by editorial columnists in various newspapers, by medical researchers, and by students kicking empty plastic cups or their drunk roommates out of their way at 3:00 AM. All of these outsiders wonder the same thing: how can the brightest minds in the country be so stupid?
Some people contend that Yalies binge drink so that they will belong; others, that the illegality of alcohol lends drinking the excitement of forbidden fruit. Still others argue that the stress of Yale classes drives students to drink themselves into a blissful oblivion. These arguments miss the mark entirely.
Since most Yale freshmen live in all-frosh communities, there isn’t as much pressure to conform to the upper classmen’s deeply entrenched binge-drinking habits. If Yalies got drunk only to belong, then at the beginning of each year a new group of freshman would have the opportunity to form a group of non-drinkers, where people could “belong” without being wasted. This does not happen. Instead, groups of freshmen begin competing almost immediately to see who can throw the loudest, wildest, most alcohol-saturated parties. They’re not trying to belong; they’re trying to set themselves apart from the herd, or, continuing the animal motif, to become the alpha males of the group—an analogy that is surprisingly apropos with drunk Yalies.
Furthermore, many communities on the Yale campus don’t make getting drunk a central aspect of socializing. Most Yalies make most of their friends in classes or through extracurriculars, where heavy drinking is not usually involved. In extracurriculars, Yalies have the opportunity to belong to a group in a non-drinking context. In fact, in his 2001 article for the National Review William F. Buckley, Jr. recommended precisely that method (sponsoring more alcohol-free extracurricular activities) to stem the tide of binge drinking. The residential college system also creates a ready-made community environment, and students don’t have to drink in order to belong. This system is especially helpful at the beginning of the school year, when the temptation to drink in order to belong is greatest. Yalies have a ready-made group of friends in the residential college system from before day one. The low transfer rate between residential colleges (about two students from each college, usually freshmen, transfer each year) shows the residential college system’s success. Another factor not to be overlooked is the Cult of Yale: the feeling that everyone here is bonded by the adhesive on their acceptance letters. Yalies know that they are members of an elite group young people, and they feel camaraderie with other members of that group.
The excitement of the illegality of alcohol is not a factor at Yale, where drinking is considered a “health issue, not a discipline issue,” according to my freshman counselor. The University Health Services website states that “Students are not punished for seeking medical assistance for intoxication. However, students will get in trouble if they do something while drunk that would get them in trouble if they were sober (i.e. trash a bathroom). In other words, being drunk is not considered a mitigating factor.” Perhaps for this reason, the number of students seeking Yale-sponsored medical attention for alcohol poisoning was above the national average in 2002, according to a recent article in the Yale Daily News. Furthermore, any drunkenness cases not involving law-enforcement are kept confidential. Anywhere where freshmen dorms routinely host parties involving alcohol does not foster the kind of prohibition-era excitement where young people speaking in whispers sneak bottles of cheap vodka under their winter coats in the middle of May. Alcohol isn’t the forbidden fruit, it’s applesauce.
The last argument—the argument that stress drives Yalies to binge drink—is a little harder to sidestep. Yale is a stressful place, and Yalies do drink in part to escape from that stress. Yet binge drinking itself can lead to many stressful situations, such as impaired judgment, illness, and humiliation. Stress is not the root of the problem. In fact, stress and drinking are sister-problems—they spring from the same source. So while both problems exist, a cause-effect relationship between the two does not exist. The cause of both is much deeper and psychologically rooted. It is this: Yalies are masochists.
Yes, masochists. This revelation shouldn’t be too shocking. Yalies, especially freshmen, use every opportunity possible to abuse their bodies. They drink too much. They smoke too much. They sleep half as much as they should. They abuse caffeine. They have unprotected sex. They load themselves with ridiculous amounts of work (D.S. and freshman orgo?) They throw themselves into their extracurriculars with an almost savage vigor (ahem. YDN.)
Thus, it makes more sense to consider binge drinking in the larger context of self-abuse than in the comparatively narrow context of stress relief. The masochistic cycles of Yale students actually create more stress. Consider a typically masochistic procrastination cycle for the gender-neutral typical Yale student, henceforth to be called “Joe Bulldog.”
Thursday, Friday, and Saturday: Drinks himself sick. Smokes himself stupid. Doesn’t get much sleep.
Sunday: Looks at the amount of work he has. Freaks out. Pulls a caffeine and junk food fueled all-nighter.
Monday: Is sick from all-nighter. Skips class in order to sleep. Doesn’t work.
Tuesday: Feels guilty about skipping class. Feels bad about getting even farther behind by skipping class. Works like a maniac.
Wednesday: A rare moment of sanity. Goes to class. Sleeps. Does work.
I asked one of my friends whose schedule bears an eerie resemblance to the one above why he puts his body and mind through so much unnecessary stress. “I dunno,” he said, “It’s fun!” And this masochistic pattern doesn’t even account for extracurriculars, which further clog most Yalies’ schedules, leading to even more pain. As Joe Bulldog’s consistent repetition of his weekly schedule attests, Yalies thrive on pain, whether it comes from too much work, overinvolvement in extacurriculars, or binge drinking.
Where does this masochism begin? It’s definitely there in one form or another before freshman first set foot on campus. Joe Bulldog is at Yale because he was willing to go through great pain and sacrifice in order to make himself look good on paper. In high school, the Joe was expected to be valedictorian, editor-in-chief of the school paper, track star, and concertmaster. When the pain associated with devoting his life to building a resume is rewarded with praise from parents and peers and acceptance into one of the world’s top universities, he comes to associate agony and acclaim, pain and pleasure.
Once Joe Bulldog arrives, he simply takes his masochistic perfectionism to extremes. As witnessed by his high school career, it isn’t in the typical Joe’s nature to be a casual drinker, or for that matter a casual anything. Yalies don’t just work, they work TO THE MAX!!! When they’re not working, they procrastinate TO THE MAX!!! And when they drink, they drink TO THE MAX!!!

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On Writing My Biweekly English Paper

Only two people
will read this English paper.
One of them is me.

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Anesthesia

We hide behind
The walls and veils and eyelids
That keep us from seeing
The glass-spun trees, stars, toes

We are such scarred and callused soles
Walking alone
As the glass melts
From the trees

We accept
The walls and veils and eyelids
That numb us to
The glass-spun trees, stars, toes

We are such tired and callous souls
Walking
Alone
As the glass melts from the trees

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Itchy Feet

My grandfather lives in a little house in Georgetown, TX. He’s lived there for five years, enough time for the deer and armadillos to know where to come to nibble on carefully tended hibiscus plants, enough time for his bookshelves to fill with mystery novels, spy books, law dramas, “nothing with any literary merit at all,” he says. Yet for him the permanence of a book collection is off-putting. Recently, he’s taken to borrowing books from the public library rather than visiting the chain bookstore in town. For someone whose career has taken him and his family all over the world, staying anywhere for more than three years leads to ennui. “My three years are up plus,” he says of life in his little house in Georgetown, “so I’m definitely getting restless.”

Restless. No one place, no one job ever holds his interest for long. My grandfather, Arthur Garland Speight, who goes by his middle name, left his home in Longview, TX (practically due north of Houston, he says) at sixteen to pursue a mathematics degree at the University of Texas in Austin. After he graduated at age eighteen, he worked for a seismic crew in northwestern Oklahoma with Amerada petroleum. A year and a half later, he joined Shell’s exploration department in Oklahoma City. Back then, moving was the way to climb the ladder at Shell. Garland moved from Oklahoma City to Bismark, North Dakota, then to Tulsa, Oklahoma. Not even marriage to Georgia Lyman held him in Tulsa for long. He and his new wife soon moved to Lexington, Nebraska, where Garland became the party chief on a seismic crew. When the seismic crew moved to McCook, Nebraska a few months later, Garland, his wife, and his new son went too. In the next three years, the family moved back to Tulsa, then to Rapid City, South Dakota, then to Pierre, South Dakota (where a second son, my father, was born), then back to Rapid City, then to Casper, Wyoming (where their third and fourth sons were born). It wasn’t until they moved to Casper, four years and two sons into their marriage, that Garland and Georgia bought their first house.

Even the house didn’t quell Garland’s wanderlust; in 1962, he moved to Shell’s Oklahoma City office “where I had taken my first assignment fourteen years earlier,” he notes with a gentle laugh. The family bought a house there, too, and settling down seemed imminent until Garland was offered the position of Division Chief Physicist at Shell’s New Orleans branch. Of course, he jumped at the job, as he did again five years later when he moved his family to Los Angeles, taking on the position of Chief Geophysicist for the Western United States region, and again a year after that, when he became Director of Exploration Research at Shell’s Houston Branch. Garland had followed Shell to six states and through five promotions before he settled in Houston. He stayed there for seventeen years.

My grandfather explains that moving so much was more than just a career move—settling down just wasn’t his style. “I’m a very restless person by nature, and I have trouble enjoying a particular job for…well, three years is the point when I start getting…diminishment of interest…and most of the time when I changed jobs, we had to move so I could take the new job.” My father tells me that moving became routine. Every once in a while, his father would just announce that they were moving. He never gave much of an explanation. “It was always an adventure to move,” my father says. “Everywhere we moved was kind of an improvement in interest level, anyway.” It helped that Garland and Georgia made each move a special occasion, often putting the family up in a nice hotel for a few days before settling into a new house.

My father vividly remembers a hotel in Los Angeles, where an orange tree laden with fruit stood just outside the window. “The immediate impression was that we had moved into paradise,” he said. My grandfather is grateful that his family was so willing to follow him around the country. “It’s lucky that we had four boys and not four girls,” he says. “Boys have somewhat less attachment to places and friends than girls do.” Moving actually strengthened the family, forcing them to rely on each other rather than on a constant set of surroundings. “It tends to make the family a relatively strong unit, because you’re changing locations and contexts, so to speak, and it’s nice to have kind of a solid foundation of people you know and know you to fall back on.” My father, unsolicited, made virtually the same comment: “It did tend to make us closer as a family…you tend to kind of cling to each other a little bit.”

I’ve noticed this same feeling of restlessness in my father, who moved us from Florida to Virginia to San Antonio to Austin to Houston in a matter of eight years. I’ve also noticed it in me. Every few years (perhaps as a product of my peripatetic upbringing), I get this feeling I call “itchy feet”—the need to pick up, move, start over. This feeling caused me to choose a high school where every friend I’d make would be a new one, to matriculate at a college on the opposite end of the country. As much as I liked living in Houston, I just needed to move.

“Moving around is, in a lot of ways, a very broadening experience, in that it exposes you to a lot of geography, and cultures, and different kinds of people, you know,” my grandfather says. After he retired from Shell in 1978 and went into consulting, he traveled even more broadly than before, going to Australia, Algeria, Indonesia, Tunisia, Tuscany, Senegal, Spain, Japan, Germany, Cairo, Korea—“pretty much all the continents,” he said, “although I never did get to Eastern Europe.”

As far as actual moving went, however, my grandfather settled down some after his retirement. In 1980 he politely refused the position of Exploration Manager for the state oil company of Israel. He did live in Malaysia for about four months in 1990, just before the Gulf War broke out. He felt a bit out of place as an American Southern Baptist oil company worker. He recalls going to a war memorial and reading a plaque about an attack by enemy planes, “and the ‘enemy planes’ turned out to be United States planes,” he chuckles. He and his wife were in Singapore watching CNN the day the war started. “I was happy to get out of there because I didn’t know what the overall reaction of the Malaysians was going to be to the war. It turned out not to amount to much of anything.”

Garland and Georgia moved out of Houston in 1986, after the oil business “tanked…went down the tubes, so to speak.” They settled in Lakeway, a suburb of Austin, where my grandfather gardened, my grandmother baked apple pies, and I fed deer as a child. Then, in 1993, Georgia was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She and Garland moved back to Houston while Georgia was being treated at the M.D. Anderson cancer center. They were sharing an apartment in Houston when she died in 1995.

It was time for my grandfather to move again—out of the old house in Lakeway, out of the new apartment in Houston, away from the painful reminders of my grandmother: needlepoint, afghans, quilts, pastry cutters, reading glasses, Baskin Robbins ice cream. He found a new apartment in Houston, where he stayed for a few years. Then, he moved to Georgetown, to the little house with the deer and armadillos nibbling his hibiscus down to a nub. Despite his feeling that it’s time to move, he realizes the paucity of opportunities for older people in the oil business. “In America, I think the general feeling is that age brings with it obsolescence…so, there’s really not a lot of opportunities in my profession,” he says. And given that reality, he can’t shake the feeling that his next move might be a move down, a move to an assisted living facility–might even be his last move.

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Mice

me (3:52:30 PM): tell me a fun story
Sequences boy (3:53:41 PM): hm
Sequences boy (3:53:50 PM): once upon a time six mice lived in a little farm in wessex
Sequences boy (3:54:12 PM): the six mice kept small animals that might easily be managed by creatures of so diminutive a stature as they knew themselves to be
Sequences boy (3:54:27 PM): for example, crickets, flies, and pet pebbles, but no geese
Sequences boy (3:54:52 PM): the six mice were named Albert, Bobby, Charles, Donald, Edward, Frank, and Guinevere
Sequences boy (3:54:56 PM): whoops
Sequences boy (3:55:01 PM): umm
Sequences boy (3:55:09 PM): the six mice kept aconcubine named Guinevere
me (3:55:12 PM): haha
me (3:55:21 PM): fabulous
me (3:55:52 PM): thanks 🙂
Sequences boy (3:56:13 PM): but nothing has happened yet
me (3:56:32 PM): well, if you wish to continue you may
me (3:56:38 PM): but you are of course under no obligation
me (3:56:58 PM): the fact that you began to tell me a story warms my heart
me (3:57:18 PM): *that you even began
Sequences boy (3:57:27 PM): well, i would narrate to you some of the true events that befell this family of seven mice
Sequences boy (3:57:35 PM): but really their existence was so mundane,
Sequences boy (3:57:41 PM): and the several occurrences that befell them so ordinary
Sequences boy (3:57:45 PM): that i fear the story would put you to sleep
me (3:57:57 PM): and what of the pets?
Sequences boy (3:58:00 PM): even if i chose only the most exciting events and arranged them with all the art that can be learned from books, or from experience.
Sequences boy (3:58:10 PM): i assume you are referring to the pebbles
me (3:58:15 PM): indeed i am
me (3:58:24 PM): and the crickets and so on
Sequences boy (3:58:50 PM): the ordinariness of their fate may serve to indicate just how uninteresting everything was in the mice farm
Sequences boy (3:58:59 PM): one day Charles was taking the pebbles for a walk
Sequences boy (3:59:11 PM): when he inextricably confounded them with the gravel lining the roadway
Sequences boy (3:59:18 PM): and lost his dear pets for ever and for ever
me (3:59:21 PM): oh my
me (3:59:23 PM): what a pity
me (3:59:34 PM): what did the children say?
Sequences boy (3:59:50 PM): oh there were no children
Sequences boy (3:59:53 PM): guinevere was barren
me (4:00:03 PM): i suppose that has its advantages
Sequences boy (4:00:05 PM): but no one in the neighborhood knew: all her six lovers kept quiet as a mouse

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Theory of myself

I’m developing a theory of myself. It really only applies in certain circumstances, but where it does apply, it applies almost without fault. The theory is that my consciousness or whatever is, that I am, that my concept of myself is that of an emotional core surrounded by a protective layer of reason. The layer is thickest when I am in top form—when I’ve had enough sleep, am well, etc. It is eroded through fatigue, sickness, and stress, among other things. When people hurt me (whether intentionally or not), the hurt has to travel through the rational layer before it can wound the emotional core. Therefore, it’s easier to get to me when I’m sleepy, stressed out, or sick. Once the rational core is punctured through, emotion gushes out messily. It’s not a pretty sight, for those of you who have not yet witnessed this phenomenon. That’s why I feel “emotionally on edge” when I’m very stressed out or sleep-deprived.
The problem with this theory is that it contradicts my theory that I am at heart a rational being, a Thinker rather than a Feeler (with apologies to Myers-Briggs). This is why I think it really only applies in certain situations. In other situations, another sort of visualization would have to be used.

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Tooth dreams

Until about a year, maybe a year and a half ago, I would have this reoccurring dream in which my teeth would fall out. It was very disturbing. Sometimes they would start out very loose—I could wiggle them with my tongue, or turn them around, or push them back and forth. Sometimes they would dangle by a little thread of flesh before falling out. Other times they would break, split, often on food, before I lost them completely. All of these things, by the way, happened when I was losing my baby teeth, but in these dreams it seemed apparent that I would never grow back new teeth, that I was doomed to gum my food and would never be able to talk or sing normally, or do any other activity requiring teeth. I remember, in my dreams, going to the mirror and inspecting my remaining teeth, which were also threatening to fall out, and despairing over all these never-to-be-done-again activities. I had this dream about once a month for about two years, until one night I had the same dream, only when I went to the mirror to look at my toothless mouth, I saw tiny new teeth beginning to grow in, white buds of teeth sprouting on my gums.

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IP Dad

I come from a family that uses tissues, not Kleenex; cotton swabs, not Q-tips; that makes photocopies, not Xeroxes; a family that doesn’t tape movies off of TV or download free music off of the internet–an intellectual property family. My dad is an IP attorney. His line of work deals with copyrights, patents, and trade secrets, and his devotion to the protection of these principles has made IP part of our family culture. Growing up, my moral indoctrination included not only “don’t drink; don’t have sex; don’t do drugs,” but also, “don’t plagiarize; don’t refer to generic products by a brand name; don’t pirate music.” In Dad’s eyes, therefore, using a service like Napster or Kazaa would fall (on a scale of moral corruption) somewhere between petty shoplifting and grand larceny. It’s shocking to think how little time has passed between last summer, when I still stood rooted in Dad’s views against downloading music, and now, when my laptop at school has a veritable arsenal of music-pirating software.

When I first arrived at school, I was determined not to use music pirating services. I never had before, and I assumed that I never would. I even (though I didn’t realize it at the time) looked down upon those who did. It was partially a matter of principle: I really did believe that musicians should be paid for the goods and services they provide, just like merchants of more tangible commodities. Mostly, though, I decided to abstain from downloading music out of respect for Dad and his work. I didn’t want to do anything that he wouldn’t be proud of, and I knew that using the kinds of services he spends eight hours a day crusading against would be like spitting in his face.
After a while, though, my resolve began to wear away. I became curious about downloading music. It seemed so easy, an effortless way to gain access to any song imaginable; so inexpensive and practical, a way to try new music without a $16 commitment. I found myself using the same rationale people use when they start drinking or smoking, fully aware that their parents would disapprove: Why not? It feels good. Everybody else is doing it. How would my father even find out? And underneath it all, I recognized that nagging, oh-so-typical urge to rebel just for the hell of it.

So I downloaded Kazaa. As I registered I felt giddy and nervous and terribly guilty, but so very very excited to be able to download music and not fear the wrath of the IP father, and I enjoyed downloading dozens of songs, songs I knew, songs friends had recommended, and songs I had never even heard of. I downloaded the Beatles, Ben Harper, Phillip Glass, Grandmaster Flash, anything that I could click on, and it felt good—except the gnawing guilt I felt when I realized that I had created a part of my life that I would be ashamed to tell my father about. The gnawing grew over the course of several weeks, until every time I used the service I felt dirty. By this time there were other aspects of my life that wouldn’t have thrilled my father, and felt I had to do something about it. I had to reclaim this last bastion of my morality. I had to fix my life so that my father—so that Dad—wouldn’t be ashamed of me.

So I uninstalled Kazaa. I erased every trace of it from my computer—first, the icons, then, the software itself. My first feeling was of freedom; my second, of moral superiority. Surely, the fact that I didn’t download music anymore made me a better person, one respectful of hard work and the sanctity of private property and all that good American stuff. I was continuing our family’s fine tradition of practicing what we preach. I was making Dad proud. After a while, though, my mind kept drifting back to happier, freer times when I could download music whenever I wished and listen to it with reckless abandon, when amazon.com never appeared on my site history, and when my wallet was a bit fatter. I missed the variety, the diversion, and the fabulous convenience.

So I reinstalled Kazaa. There they were—all my songs waiting for me like old drinking buddies—and I was happy to rejoin them, despite the vice that their company demanded. But this time, the comfortable complacency lasted longer. This time, it wasn’t tempered by concern for my father’s values. The gnawing guilt did not return. When it came right down to it, my own pleasure and convenience had become more important than my need to follow in Daddy’s footsteps. Realizing this, I felt disloyal, selfish, dirty all over again, and while I realized the relatively minor nature of my transgression, I was nonetheless troubled by the way I was systematically divorcing myself from my family’s moral code. I knew that downloading music was something my father would not approve of, and that it was driving a wedge between me and my family. I knew that from then on, anything I said about musicians’ rights to be paid for their work, about the sanctity of private property, or about my dedication to the way I was raised would be hypocritical. It saddened me to think that my father’s code of ethics, which had been the gospel in my childhood and a handy guidebook in my adolescence, had become more or less irrelevant. By reinstalling Kazaa, I had reiterated my loss of respect for my father’s work and effectively ended my affiliation with his ideology. My whole relationship with my family had changed. I didn’t feel as much a part of it anymore, since I had voluntarily alienated myself from one of its distinguishing features. I could no longer pretend to be a vessel for Daddy’s values, a reincarnation newer and stronger and even more committed than the original. I could no longer claim with pride that I acted on the principles under which I was raised, even in a matter so small as how I listened to music.

But oh, the variety! Oh, the diversion! Oh, the fabulous convenience!

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