FDA Revises Food Guide Pyramid
Officials in the Food and Drug Administration are re-organizing the Food Guide Pyramid after years of following what they call an “embarrassingly ill-conceived” model.
“The old food guide pyramid puts far too much emphasis on wheat and bread,” spokesperson Aida Lott says. “The new pyramid will place the proper emphasis on overlooked foods such as quinoa and bulghur.”
The old model was criticized for pandering to grain farmers’ lobbyists, encouraging people to buy more bread, even overemphasizing its importance in a healthy diet. “But we don’t have this problem any more, no sir,” she said, leaning speaking into the flowers on her desk. “The grain farmers do not control us at all. Nope. Not even a little bit.”
The FDA is also developing several lifestyle-specific food pyramids, continuing a trend that began with ethnic food pyramids.
“So far we have Arabic, Chinese, Cuban, Indian, Italian, Mexican, Portuguese, Russian, Thai, Japanese, Mediterranean, and Native American, but we’re hoping to get even more specific,” Lott says. Researchers are currently developing a Finicky Two-year-old brat food guide pyramid based primarily on stale cheerios and Legos. Also in development is the East Texas Redneck food pyramid, which includes fruit pies and roadkill.
“The hope is that any person, regardless of ethnicity, income level, allergies, or fetish, will be able to eat healthfully,” Lott says, adding, “except for those weirdoes who don’t eat meat. There’s no way they could eat a healthy, balanced diet.”